Dappled Sunshine

One Thursday, we went on a hike with 13 church members (this number includes the five of us) and Jack (my dog). When we reached a place in the trail where it spread out in a wide circle, we gathered into a group and Mom gave a worship thought. After prayer, she smiled and turned her palms skyward. "Thank you for this dappled sunshine!" she exclaimed. 
     Later, as I hiked through green bushes, a well-worn trail, and a beautiful, sun-lit forest, I thought, Hey, I've totally been through dappled sunshine.
     The air mingled with pine, dirt, and spring smells. This slightly made my nose itch (I have allergies), but overall it was beautiful. It got me wondering. 
     Dappled sunshine. I thought of what it meant: a spot shadows dappled with sunlight, creating the look of "dappled" sunshine. 
     Sounds familiar. I focused on the trail ahead of me - curved footprints, protruding tree roots, jutting rocks, stray pine cones - and listened to the chatter around me. Chatter of both birds and people: Megan and Bethany talking ahead about . . . did I hear something about Band-Aids? And my mom talking to Bruce and Dad behind me . . . "Oh, how awful!" 
     Um. 
     I listened to the satisfying clink of Jack's collar, and the happy screech of my sisters as they pounded down the trail with friends. 
     My thoughts began to grind, like a machine beginning to process. 
     What was the sunshine in my journey through cancer? I grinned. 
      I met Zach Collins from the Portland Trailblazers! (Yes, we live somewhere near Portland, Oregon *wink* They're my team! I watch every game, but that is off subject....) 
      I befriended Jimmy the cat.
      I befriended Hope the Golden Retriever. 
      I got tons of fuzzy blankets. 
      I grew in maturity. 
      I grew in wisdom.  
      My relationship with family became fuller. 
      I gained an empathy for cancer goers and survivors. 
      I created this blog. 
      I gained a sense of humor I never had before.  
      I gained a relationship with God I can't explain. 
      I gained appreciation for things. 
      I gained friends. 
     I grew in confidence. 
      Then I thought of the shadowy darkness in my sunshine, creating a dancing dapple you sometimes can't figure out. 
      Cancer. 
      IVs. 
      Trauma. 
      PTSD. 
      Loss of my hair. 
      Loss of health. 
      Loss of confidence before it grew. 
      Loss of knowing who I am.
      Loss of knowing who God is. 
      And really, if you think about it, loss of everything I used to know. Loss of innocence, loss of young years. 
      I gained the memories of hospitalization. 
      Pretty depressing, if you think about it. 
      But then, if you look at the sunshine that dances amongst the shadows, you realize the good born forth from the bad. 
      And from the good and bad comes grace. 
      Grace is very important and makes up a lot of the sunshine in the shadows. Grace places light into your shadowy forest. 
      Grace for yourself (this is for anyone out there, I'll just be using examples from my life :D)  
      I have no hair. I have no hair, but hey, I went through treatment.
      I'm low on energy. Hey, dude, you've gone through something tough. 
      I'm so pale. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't beat yourself up! Hey, girls, add some blush, or pinch your cheeks a bit. Make yourself feel good inside. 
      I feel so sad. It's OK to take breaks sometimes. Find a good book, your favorite movie, your best friend, a parent, or just r.e.l.a.x. It's OK to cry. 
      Grace for others. 
      Hey, that person is staring at me. You don't know what they're thinking. Ignore them, or best of all, give them a smile! 
       That kid is talking about stuff that makes me feel bad, especially considering what I've been through. Perhaps that kid doesn't know what you've been through, or he is clueless. 
      When grace comes into your shadows, it highlights the good, breaking apart the thick tree branches towering over you and covering the sun. It chases away the dark clouds swirling around the sun. In little beams of light, the sun touches the unknown trail around you. 
      The sun shines on things you never knew you'd find. You find people who have gone through the same thing as you have. You find the trail you are on is unknown, but you can conquer it. You link hands with a BFF, an encourager, a family member, and you step forward. You find the laughter, you find the grace, and you find the good in the shadows. 
      And when you do this - when you find the grace and the good - you can find a well-worn trail. This trail is well-worn because you know others have traveled it, but you know it is hard. There are treacherous canyons, steep cliffs, jutting rocks, and protruding tree roots. Along the way, you find hardships, struggles, and horror, but you don't waver. Why? 
      You have God, you have grace, and you know the good. 
       Dappled sunshine: Finding the good in the bad, finding the sun in the shadows. 

~Izzy~