Prayer and Trust and an Update on My Journey

Long time no see, folks! I'm so glad to be back. I want to share a little something that has inspired me. 

One of my biggest favorite bands is For KING and COUNTRY. Oh, their songs are so good! 

Their newest album is Burn the Ships, which is also a song. That album makes me so emotional. My chest aches and feels whirl-y and wistful every time I listen to it. Especially the songs Burn the Ships, Fight On, Fighter, Never Give Up, and joy. 

So, here are the links to those songs. I hope you enjoy them and I hope they give you hope. 

Burn the Ships

Fight On, Fighter

Never Give Up (this one doesn't have lyrics sadly) 

joy.

Fight On, Fighter, Never Give Up: 
This song is something that gives me courage. I am a Fighter. I have fought a battle with cancer and this song helps me keep fighting. I won't let my fire burn out. I will keep the flame of God going in my soul. I will never give up.

We think it started about a year and eight months ago, in June of 2017, a troop of wicked looking soldiers marched into my life and settled their camp in a lymph node above my collar bone. The villagers (me) around that lymph node didn't realize what it was because the troop wasn't huge and stayed well hidden. Suddenly, the troop of enemies started to get bigger and by June of 2018, I realized a lump above my collar bone; I suddenly found the camp where the Enemies were settled. I showed it to my mother, who thought it was because of a cold I'd had.  

The troop of enemies seemed to suddenly grow smaller, because the lump nearly vanished completely. Then, in July, it came back. 

We had a nurse look at it, who thought nothing of it. Another doctor looked at it and referred us to Doernbecher Children's Hospital (DCH). An oncologist named Dr. Schlis looked at it and started talking about a thing called Lymphoma. 

I had no idea what that was. When I asked, her words sent me spiraling into a world with no sound. 

"Lymphoma is a cancer of the lymphatic system." 

My world exploded. 

So, the Enemy of Soldiers were exposed as a troop called Hodgkin's Lymphoma the very next day after a stressful biopsy under general anesthesia. 

And in November, 2018, I pulled on my armor, called my army of prayerful people together, and marched into the battle field. My fight had begun. 

My army: 
My oncologist, Dr. Schlis. 
My Mom and Dad 
My sisters 
My friends 
My church members 
People I've never met on Facebook 
Cousins 
Aunts and uncles 
Grandmas and grandpas 
YOU GUYS 
And more people - but especially God. He leads this army. 

Chemotherapy began. Those were the times when my army went into real battle. We were wounded, broken, and torn, but always knitted back together with careful seams and prayer. 

This went through November and December, and then I had a PET scan, revealing I only had one tumor left. 

I can tell you.......never was there more rejoicing and praise and joy when we heard that. I thanked God a bazillion times. 

Two more rounds. 

And now we are here. March 2, 2019.  

I just recently had another PET scan to try to determine if I need radiation or not. 

PET scan: a diagnostic scan of your body using radioactive fluid to light up anything metabolically active.

Radiation: when they use radiation beams to zap the cancer, killing it. But, radiation damages other tissues as well, resulting in higher risks in places. My risks if I was to have radiation is heart-damage (heart attacks) and breast cancer. 

That terrifies me, at first. Yet, now I have perfect peace. Why? How? I'll get to that later :D

PET scan results: a slight amount of brightness in the tumor area, but not enough to say for sure radiation is needed. In fact, the amount of brightness could be the same amount of brightness regular organs show. 

So, my doctors went into serious consideration. The radiation oncologist is very optimistic and thinks that I DON'T NEED RADIATION. Yippee!!!!! Dr. Schlis is leaning towards that as well, but she is taking my case very seriously and will consider it further before making the final decision. 

This means, the Enemy Troop was defeated, driven away, and destroyed enough that perhaps I won't have to have radiation.

We are fervently praying that radiation will be a "no." But if radiation is needed, I will do it. 

So, I am very, very near to being cancer free. Those are the words I've waited to hear for months. 

Through this journey I have to say my trust in God has wavered, fallen, then mended, and then tried once more. I've struggled with my faith in God - a lot. But, last night, after a very hard battle with trust, I listened to these songs. 

Burn the Ships. 

Fight On, Fighter. 

and Never Give Up. 

And I read Isaiah 26:3: 
You will keep in perfect peace
    those whose minds are steadfast,
    because they trust in you. 

*Emphasis added*

Now we're back to me feeling perfect peace even when radiation sounds horrifyingly scary. 

I needed peace when the thought of radiation was brought into my life. I really did. And after listening to For KING and COUNTRY's songs, and reading Jesus Calling, I found it. 

By trusting in the Lord. By praying.

I am sharing this with you because I want to help people; to give them a pathway in the darkness, to give them light, trust, hope, and faith. I want you to know that trusting in the Lord and praying will give you peace. Read the Bible, and I really suggest Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. 

I needed a lot of trust during this fight. Tons of fear entered by brain: will I die? What if chemo doesn't kill the cancer? What if radiation is needed? What if I get heart attacks as an adult? What if I get cancer again, either by a relapse or radiation? 

You can see there were a lot of "what ifs." I also would beat myself up with my thoughts; because of my bald head, my weakness, my paleness, not being able to do school, and more, and more. 

I had to pray a lot and ask God to take away my fears. I had to tell myself to stop beating myself up. I needed to STOP. I needed to pray and trust and treat myself like I'd treat a friend going through something like this. That's where my mom helped me a lot. 

My dad helped me with trusting and praying. 

And most of all, He helped me. 

PRAY. 

TRUST. 

I sent an email to a friend the other day, and this is what it said: 

(Recently finished talking about cheerfulness even in the midst of hard times......)

Speaking of cheerfulness, if you're ever having a hard time staying cheerful, simply hot pen. Have you ever heard of "hot penning"? It helps. To hot pen, grab a piece of a paper or open a blank document on Google Docs and just write your feelings out - all of them, both good and bad, anger, sad, happy, grumpy, depressed, etc. - without worrying about punctuation or spelling. Do it until you feel fresh and unburdened. 

Pray while you do it. 

I can't promise that hot penning will take all the stress away, but it does help if you be "truthful to the paper" and really let your top blow. I am not kidding! *big grin* Instead of yelling at your parents or siblings, get a computer or notebook and write it all out, yellin' and screamin' if ya have to, or grab that stuffed animal you hate, or don't care to smash, and pound it on the wall *winks* I've done it before. If you don't want your parents to think you're going insane, warn them that you'll simply "be yelling at the wall for just a moment, so plug your ears if you want" 

*more winks* 

It helps. I've done it. If you're worried about screaming and yelling, don't make noise and just smash that stuffy. Seriously. No joking. For real. 

My first round of chemotherapy they (the nurses) gave me a rainbow lama-type-weird-thing that I absolutely hate. So, I kick it around when I'm mad. No joke, the nurses named it a Chemo Lama. So, since I hate chemo, cancer, and anything involved with chemo, when I'm angry at chemo, cancer, and anything involved with chemo, I punch that Chemo Lama hard. And then I go cuddle on the bed and read a good book with Peach. 

Another way to get your anger out without hurting a beloved stuffed animal, take a stick or baseball bat and go into the yard and beat the ground with it. That's what my aunt does LOL

P.S. Peach is my beloved honey bear stuffed animal that is older than me by three months :D I've had her since I was born. 

So, as you can see, another thing to help when you're angry is hot penning and getting your anger out physically on stuffed animals and the ground. 

But I see seeking the Bible, devotionals, and talking about it helps more than anything, especially talking to our Creator.

Whatever you're going through, He does not want this to happen to you. 

If you're thinking bad thoughts about yourself, He does not want you to think those thoughts. In the Bible, it says God loved you even before you were born. That is everlasting love. 

When you cry or your heart breaks, He cries and His heart breaks with you. 

When you feel angry at everybody, including God, He doesn't think bad of you. He wishes with all His heart that you would talk to Him and ask for help, for peace, and He hopes you will come to Him and trust Him, because He loves you so much. SO MUCH. Forever, and ever, and ever. He loves EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD. 

When your trust falters, pray. 

When your peace is interrupted by rage, pray. 

When you feel lost, pray. 

God is there. 

Always. 

Forever. 

For all eternity.

He Loves You, in your anger, your hurt, your sorrow, your joys, when you're crazy, when you're with friends, when you're reading, writing, doing school, when you're bowling, riding a horse, walking, talking. 

Every day. Every situation. 

He's calling you. You are his Beloved Child. He's waiting for you to find Him. 

~Izzy